If Squidward Got the Death Note
Squid's descent
In this entry, which is not so much a story as an answer, I plan to answer the aeon old question, which began to be asked when the show aired in 2006 and more so when it got it’s English dub in 2007, “What would Squidward do if he got his tentacles on the Death Note?” Now, the world can rest easy, knowing I, Josh, have found the answer to this question. Please, partake of my knowledge.
There really aren’t spoilers here if you know the premise of the show. Plot-wise and character-wise, there are no spoilers since Squidward’s actions are his own and do not mirror Light’s. It is rather dark, however.
The way I see it, there are two possibilities if Squidward found the Death Note. But before I launch into those however, I will narrate, as best as I can, how I envision Squidward finding it.
I think he would be going to a store where he could get his favorite delicacy, Canned Bread. As he’s entering the building, he looks down, noticing a notebook on the sidewalk.
Upon seeing it, he bends down and picks it up. Reading its name and how it works, Canned Bread is momentarily forgotten. Obviously its fake, or so he thinks, and nothing more. A prank by some bored teenager no doubt. He has no intention of testing it out, though he does takes it. After this event, he gets his Canned Bread and goes home, and without meaning to, thinks about it the whole while, probably accidentally bumping into a couple people as he goes about his business.
Now that we have imagined how he found it, I admit I have not figured out how he found it, I will relate what he does with it.
The first possibility I will go over is, I think, the more likely of the two, though both are about equal odds, give or take a little. Squidward sits down in his chair, and begins to think about the book again. Then, as he sits there, many thoughts swim around in his head, he hears that sound coming through his window. Yes, that sound is indeed the obnoxious laughter of his two obnoxious neighbors. This gives him an idea.
Now, I should explain, Squidward is not doing this to bump them off. He is annoyed and wants them to be quiet. Hoping to vent some of his frustration, still thinking the book a fake, he writes down Patrick’s and SpongeBob’s names in the book, their faces unintentionally clear in his mind. Not a minute later the laughter ends, and the reality of his actions hits him like a falling anvil.
It wasn’t his fault, he tries to sooth himself. How could he have known? How was he supposed to have known? No, he’s innocent. It isn’t his fault. He tells this to himself over and over again while hugging his knees and rocking on the floor. But for all this he fails to fully convince himself.
From then on, Squidward becomes a different octopus. He is paranoid and jumpy, even though he tells himself it isn’t his fault. But will others know this? They wouldn’t. Guilt follows him wherever he goes. He starts to think everyone knows what he did but tries to tell himself they can’t possibly know.
Finally one of two things happen. Either, he can’t take the guilt anymore and he confesses to the authorities, getting locked up in a cell for what he has done. Or he thinks someone makes a hint, and he loses it, going on a rant about how he didn’t mean to and he didn’t know what he was doing. They call the authorities, and he is locked up in a jail or padded cell.
I am sorry to say, Squidward is not as innocent in the second possibility, though, I think we can all agree he is not guiltless in the first. That having been established, let us move on. It is as follows.
Squidward is home thinking about the Death Note, when he gets a call from Squilliam, and Squilliam is his usual self during the call. Squidward wishes it would end, and then with some hesitation, he writes Squilliam’s name in the Death Note that is just sitting there so temptingly. After what feels like an eternity, Squilliam gives a surprised cry and is silent.
Squidward realizes what he has done, and feels some guilt, but soon makes it pass. He will never have to be bullied by Squilliam ever again. This makes him reconsider the Death Note, it wasn’t a prank like he had at first thought. No, it was something much, much more powerful, and the implications are staggering.
Then, a certain crimson individual who had oppressed him for years comes to mind. What if . . . why not . . . why wouldn’t it work? Dare he? He does, writing one more name. However, he forgets about it before long, not hearing anything from anyone, beginning to think Squilliam had maybe just been a lucky coincidence.
The next morning he goes to work, and there he waits, and waits. But Mr. Krabs never comes. He and SpongeBob wait for close to two hours before finally Squidward realizes what he did the night before must have worked. There is no doubt now: the Death Note works and can free him of all irritations. After seeing Squidward’s reaction to this realization, SpongeBob asks him if he is alright and needs to lie down. Squidward yells something indistinct, and runs out, a stupid grin pasted on his face.
He goes home, where he suddenly thinks of SpongeBob and Patrick. Why not? Rushing to his room, he writes down two more names in the accursed notebook. And then, having finished this work, and feeling like a new octopus, why not? Why not, he askes again. He starts to write down more names, adding everyone who has ever slighted him, be it real or imaginary, not forgotten is that art collector who ridiculed his Bold and Brash. A few minutes after he remembers the girlfriend who dumped him on their first date, and another name is written.
He goes on through the days, remembering more and more people he doesn’t like. Soon, he makes the deal to take care of those other people whose name’s he doesn’t know. In no time at all, no one is safe. If you say something rude, you are gone. If you even look at Squidward the wrong way, you are gone. Squidward continues this in the following days, becoming more and more deranged.
Finally, after mane pages of the Death Note are filled, Squidward will meet his end in some way or another. Be it death or a life sentence. Who does it I don’t now, and how it happens I don’t know.
Now you know what all thinkers throughout ages since 2006, have been trying to learn. I have have been bestowed this knowledge. I am sharing it with you and you are most certainly welcome! Use this knowledge wisely, as you never know what others might try to do with this information.
God bless.
Not gonna lie, pretty funny! 😆