Little do those who write about The Suff know, that The Suff is real. It was he, yes he, who inspired mankind to write about him, and he gave, in their subconsciousnesses, bits about himself, which, if carefully filtered through, could be pieced together to show us the true Suff.
Thag, the being inadvertently responsible for starting the Martian Wars of 2304, and World Wars I, II, and V, was no ordinary person. There were three main reasons why he was different than you or I. The first, and smallest, was that he had the rare gift of being able to travel through time and space, and that he could control it. The next, and most unusual reason difference, was that he was a caveman. And the final reason was that he looked like he had walked out of a cow-riddled comic strip from a far away place.
At the moment of this story, Thag was on a computer at a library in Oak Grove Oregon, reading through the Suff stories on Substack—the Martians on the moon had taught him to read. He finished
’s, which had been one of his favorites, having already read ’s and ’s Suff entries among others, and was continuing on through the rest of The Chronicler’s Timeline.Not understanding English like a native speaker, being a caveman from thousands of years in the past, and having just watched a certain movie, Thag got The Suff and Krampus mixed up as it was the Christmas Season.
Full of Eggnog and Christmas Cheer (metaphorical and liquid) Thag bended through time and space to visit the Martians on the Moon. There he began to tell them, in grunts, hoots, and growls, his mother tongue, a grand tale, mixing up Krampus and all the Suff stories he had read, unknowingly adding his own embellishments. He told a horrendous tale of an entity with horns and long arms, wrapped in shrouds, that went to people who had not been good, and embraced them with a deathly embrace each Christmas.
After spreading this story to about a dozen or so influential Martians, Thag wanted to be back in his own time, so he went to Nord XVI to pick up some of his favorite berries from the Martians who had colonized that far off planet, told his story there, then returned home.
The Martians were horrified. They called a council at once, believing Thag’s stories, and not knowing it wasn’t real, being real aliens themselves, and began to debate. In the end, not able to bear the thought of humanity suffering from this foul abomination, they decided there was only one option: to go to earth, prepared for war, to eliminate The Suff.
On earth, at the beginning of the year 2304, the Martians came. At first they tried to be peaceful, trying to make it clear that they meant to harm, and sending scouts all over the globe, looking for The Suff. But humanity, doing what it always does in the face of an alien invasion, and not understanding the Martians, decided to strike in self defense after perceived aggression. War broke out. Many were injured, but none were killed somehow. After years of conflict, the Martians retreated to the Moon, distraught at being unable to save humanity from The Suff.
Every Year since then, on Christmas Eve, the Martians send scouts to reconnoiter earth to try and find The Suff, hoping to put an end to it once and for all. Humanity had somehow learned to deal it it, but what if The Suff could reproduce? What if it spread to the rest of the universe? It could mean the end of life as it was known. They couldn’t let that happen.
Back home, Thag was unaware of all the chaos he had caused, which was normal for Thag, and he scared his neighbors with his tales, which gave birth to the legends of Krampus and The Suff. These would haunt mankind through the ages, giving rise to fears and other monstrosities, passed on in hushed words from generation to generation.
The End,
God bless
Somehow, we all should have known Thag was to blame.