Gnomes for Hire

A submission for IronAge Media's prompt "The Hirelings"

WE WILL

• Get Pixies, Brownies, Sprites, etc. off of your farm or property if you be human.

• Chase a human away from you if you be Faerie or Fey.

• Put spells of safety over pots of gold or other such forms of wealth.

• Put traps around unfriendly houses for you.

• Put traps around your house to keep unwanted visitors away.

• Give one or both sides of a war advantages on battlefields with machines and traps.

• Spray harmful substances around your house to get rid of anything unwanted.

WE WONT

• Charge you unreasonable* prices.

• Harm you physically in a direct way.

• Cause any damage to your property or possessions in a direct way.

• Disclose any private and fragile information publicly.

• Inform the law or Faerie King of any suspiciousness.

• Be your personal servant or sword for hire.

*unreasonable according to what we could, in theory, charge you

CUSTOMER SHOULD BE AWARE

We do not accept refunds of any type, so don’t even try. There will be grumblings and we may do a bad job. You may find some unpleasant surprises if we don’t like you. And since we don’t like you, do not expect us to be courteous or kind in our dealings with you. We think you beneath us (but try and find someone who can get rid of a pixie infestation, and if you can, look at their fees.) Speaking of fees, we have several hidden fees that may or may not be charged and may or may not add up to substantial amounts. The customer should also note that we do not come back to undo any charm, spell, or trap we put in place. I am done writing this, and because I hate you even more than ever, I will not go through the trouble to revises this or even make it as professional as it could be since I know you wont find anyone better than us for what you need. Good day and may pixies infest every house you own, or if you are a pixie, may one of those humans you complain about settle near you. Lastly, which I intentionally forgot to mention until now, by reading to the end of this you have agreed to use our services in some way and to any and all fees and fines attached.

Our thanks for your choice in our services,

The end and God bless